| I think I have A.D.D.
I can't concentrate anymore, of course, to say that would be to say that there was a time when I could concentrate, which I'm not really sure of, hard to remember your state of mind from a year ago. I feel like I'm just goin' on autopilot so much of the time. This I remember from a long time ago, often I'll just like, space out (happens when I'm driving, scary huh haha). I feel like I'm on drugs or something, which wouldn't be so bad, except when it comes time to do anything worthwhile. I came across a... well I'm not sure what exactly to call it, looks like a journal entry, except it's stand-alone, like an essay. Anyway, it basically explains exactly how my brain seems to work. The scary thing about it though, is that it's comming from a girl with bi-polar disorder who's on drugs for it. Here's the link if you want to read it: http://www.bipolarworld.net/Storm/2001/storm33.htm
Pretty much word for word that's how I feel most of the time. Funny that everyone in school thought I was a stoner lmao, even one of my best friends whom I've known since 3rd grade thought I was a druggie (or at least, I think he thought that, or possibly still thinks it lol). Like when I'm trying to talk to someone, only my brain is too busy thinking about the way the lights look, or that spot on the wall behind the person, or whatever, instead of thinking of something to say. Or maybe it's not even that. Maybe I just completely space out, and like nothing happens in my brain at all, or if I'm thinking, I'm completely unaware of it.
Like when I read, so many times I'll be just fine, and then I notice something out of the corner of my eye that just looks weird to me, and then all of a sudden I can't concentrate on my book anymore, I just keep focusing on that something, and I can't start reading again until I either move the something, or like move the book in front of it so I can't see it anymore lmao.
Is any of this even making sense? I don't know anymore. probably whenever I write like this I just go off on so many tangents that people who read it can barely follow what I'm saying. Like, I'm hardly even aware of what I'm writing even. I'm doing this on auto-pilot too. And I don't think it's because my brain is trying to focus on other things, because no other thoughts seem to be going through my head. In fact, no thoughts seem to be going through my head, it's just blank, and it's like I'm just sitting in here watching what's happening out there, I feel disconnected from reality.
Maybe it's just cuz I've been cooped up in my house for too long, but then I think that I've always been like this, and maybe being cooped up in my house has just made it worse, or more noticable. For those of you who don't know (and I don't know who that would be exactly, but just in case there is someone who doesn't), I took a year off from school, work, everything. Basically just to sit around and do whatever I felt like, which of course has mainly consisted of playing videogames, posting on messageboards, reading books, and not much else. Yeah it may seem like a waste to most of you, but I don't care. I don't think I would have been able to just go straight on to college after graduating.
You know what's funny, I like never even read over what I've written here, and like I said, I just go in to auto-pilot mode sometimes (especially on the long posts like this), so like, if I look back over it the next day, I'm surprised at what I wrote, because I barely remember writing it, it's just kinda like instead of thinking, I'm writing, and of course you don't remember every little thing that runs through your head, so like that, I don't remember most of what I've written. Make any sense? Probably not.
I want to post a pic of myself up here, except I have to be in the right frame of mind, or something like that. Most pictures I take of myself I look at them and think "damn, is that really me?". I guess I don't look how I think I should look. But then I don't know what I think I should look like, I don't think of myself looking like anything at all, I just think of myself as.. I don't know lol, a cloud with arms and legs lol, yeah I know that sounded stupid, but I guess since I can't see my face without looking in a mirror or something, I never think about it, so it's like always a surprise when I do look in a mirror, and usually I'm disappointed lol.
But I still wanna post a pic, I just gotta find one that I like. I dunno why, most of the people that read this already know what I look like right? I can't really imagine anyone else wanting to read it. Of course, I like to read the thoughts of people that I don't know, so why should I think it's weird that someone would want to read mine?
I'm growing my hair out you know. It's such a bitch lol, taking forever to grow. It seems like I've been trying to grow it out for like a year, of course I keep getting haircuts, but the last two I've gotten I told the people that I'm trying to grow it out, and I just wanted a trim to make it look more respectable. But now I figure just screw it, I'm gonna let it grow.
I'm boring you all aren't I? I don't even know how long this post is exactly, I just know I've been writing for some time. Do people think I'm boring? I always wonder what people are thinking about me, if they think about me at all. I don't always care what they're thinking, I just wonder. I wish there was some way of knowing exactly what other people were thinking lol. Things would be so much simpler wouldn't they? Well, for me it would be... I think.
What else can I think of to say? I could probably keep going with my stream of consciousness forever, or until my fingers got mad carpal tunnel syndrome and I had to stop typing haha. Or maybe until I reached the limit of characters allowed in one xanga post? Nah I'm not gonna do that, at least not tonight, or this morning, or however you wanna think of 4:14 AM. I suppose this is as good a place as any to stop. Hope you all had fun reading it, and leave me a comment damnit lmao, make me feel important  . Lol ok I'm done. |
